THE ADVENTURES OF HONEY B. FLY

So I was kind of like at this party right, like having a little sizz-nye-ip of those margaritas and like damn near tore a hole into the carpet with how I danced motherfucker did I dance. I remember like hanging out with Freda and we were talking about the difference between the red skin potatoes and the russett potatoes (the red skin isnt for mashing, the russetts are) and all of a sudden Billy walks up to me.

He says "what the deal, Honey."

"Unwinding from a long day, Billy."

"That's cool," Billy interrupts. Using enough energy to muster up a "that's cool" in the same way a bellhop wishes you to have a good day. He was at least 6'1 and was the host, all on the hobnobbing tip saying what's up and how are you's like a fucking game show. Like "Ask how everyone's doing 800 times and win a fucking Mazda" and I didn't like how he stepped up to me, because I knew he only talked when he wants something.

"Is it cool if you can get some ice," Billy asked, assuming I'd say yes.

Cause you see Billy knows that I have the power of teleportation. I can close my eyes and go from here to there to wherever and ever. To like eating Mexican food at the Mission or go to Kentucky and get some Old Pappy Winkle's Family Reserve 23 years aged. If someone holds onto me while I teleport they go too, so I've been super helpful with the community, taking kids out of burning buildings and whatnot so sometimes it's weird that I'm known for this one thing and it's like hey look its that person that does this one thing. I mean it's awesome you know, and all that type of unwanted attention is worth it to be blessed with such a power.

But the one thing I hate motherfuckers doing is like being so dense in not knowing that it's obvious we wouldn't talk if you didn't know I can teleport.

So I said yes, of course Billy. On one condition if you go with me to the store. Billy was very gung ho and we took a shot of Jack before I closed my eyes and teleported to the store. My rollerblades are orange and purple and people wonder why I wear them but then they've never seen me have to fling forward when I teleport from point A to point B. It's part of the landing part of this power.

So I roll into front of the market because it's cocky to slide into the actual store and be like "No harm, my fellow citizens of Somewhere Where I Live it is just Honey B. Fly teleporting to get some ice."

Billy was sort of upset that didn't happen and it was very obvious, him asking if we could teleport one more time into the store. He let me into the store first and started his way into the ice chest area. He grabbed 2 bags of ice and put it in a cart, one on top of the other.

I decided since I was here I'd get some batteries for my universal remote so I headed in that direction of the store. When we met up in the front, he was reading Us Weekly talking about the Flintstones having a rocky relationship right now. I put my batteries into the supermarket converyor belt and he added his ice. He looked into his pockets and there was no wallet. He apologized and asked if he could borrow money for the ice. I looked right at him and rolled my eyes. Andre 3000 is in the background, blaring in the speakers. He was asking for all the Beyonces and Lucy Liu's to get on the floor.

I looked at him and I said "Alright."

So I paid for him, an obvious calculated move he had planned. Who doesn't bring their wallet with them to buy ice? Assholes do, that's who.

The register guy gave me a receipt and told me to have a good day. Of note, the guy telling me to have a good day was far more sincere than Billy saying anything. So Yeah, I'm grabbing the bags and I give it to him.

"Thanks a lot, Honey," He said.

"No problem," I responded. "Now get your ass your own ride you stupid ass vampire."

And so I closed my eyes and went back to my room. That'll teach Billy.