w/ dignity

every night from age 12 to infinity,
he would pray to someone (he
wasn't too sure who) and ask
"please, let me die with dignity".

maybe he had days that moved transcendentally
and maybe he had days that
would suck the marrow out of his joy
but the request was posed consistently.

and sometimes he would sleep in his bed
or sleep in a stranger's bed though one
time he woke up in an elevator and even
when he awoke he prayed he wasn't dead (not yet)

though oftentimes he was okay and sometimes
he was afraid he wasn't but if you asked
anyone around him they'd beg to differ but
what do they know about him aside from his asides.

and whenever he thought about you he thought about
more than you he thought about more than death
he thought about the way the world should work
he stopped thinking about himself and his doubt.

and whenever he saw you he thought about how
he wished he knew how to make sure you could
feel the way he feels when he was around you, the
way everyone should feel between before, then, and now.

now his prayer's the same but his definition of dignity
has changed (for better or worse) and the idea
of waking up weightless might be naive but
the idea of dignity is a boy who feels relieved.

there will be days when he will be too busy to have thunk
because he needs to make money and because he
is scared if he stops moving he will die and if he stops
thinking he will be worse than death, he will wake up sunk.

"and if you do not see how beautiful, wise, confident and strong
you really are then shame on you because it's not hard
to do things before you die for someone that makes you feel
the way you make him feel" is what he said before he prayed (hard and long).

there is no nothing -- no thing -- noting that there is everything (everyday)
inside (that nothing), that emptiness, that space between now and later
(that he hopes he savors) and now and then (that he only now comprehends)
so he will lie down tonight, knowing everyday he's not okay (and that observation
makes him okay) and that he's dying every day (though he's dying in his own stupid ideal way)