FRANK

Frank just got promoted at his job. He is my neighbor, probably the best neighbor I ever had. When he moved in, my last neighbors were Archie and Marianne. They were originally the best neighbors I ever had, so you figure the bar was set idiotically high when Frank moved in.

When I get new neighbors my only hope is that they're not too loud and mindful and when you run through enough neighborhoods to actually accumulate a favorite neighbors list then you kind of realize that simple wish is not that simple.

Archie and Marianne knew when to ask the right questions, to invite me at the right time, to insist when they should, to concede when they should. They apologized in advance vis-a-vis when to expect noise if guests are over. They were present but never overbearing nor bored.

Frank is actually the opposite: really intrusive, oft-times belligerent, says the wrong thing at the wrong time. I've woken up to enough people having sex very loudly to last me a lifetime and Frank is responsible for about 99% of them (the other 1% involved "Love To Love Ya" by Timabaland and Magoo on repeat and man I will kill on command if that song ever comes on again).

Frank would walk in and, because my name is Noah, call me "The Biblical Nigga" (he's not black). He would say incomprehensible dickfaced things to any girl I was seeing at any time (One time he walked up to Jody and said that if he squinted his eyes then she'd have the most symmetrical breasts he'd ever seen through a blouse and it's a shame her breasts are probably similar in symmetry to his testicles). He knocked on my door at 4am one night to tell me that Badlands was on.

Frank would also call me "The Biblical Nigga" when I was always looking like a downer. He said that dickfaced thing to her when, unbeknownst to me, she came onto his co-worker at one of his parties. He knew my favorite movie is Badlands.

So he got this promotion and is moving in with his girlfriend of the month, Allison. He dated Allison after meeting her at a Cuddling party. A cuddling party is a party where people organize a party where strangers introduce themselve to the other person and just cuddle each other. He was very into the idea of feeling like a 13 year-old, "afraid of the power of my boner" (his words).

They hung out, didn't cuddle at all but got each other's numbers. And now he's got this promotion and he's dating her and now they're living together and Allison even calls me "The Biblical Nigga".

It's not that I'm not happy for him and that he's like 45 years-old and twice divorced and honestly our greatest moments involved two lonely people being lonely together and so I'm happy for him. He got this promotion and he bought me a Swiss army knife. I asked him why he said "You're an eagle scout now, bitch."

And I guess I am. I too have gotten a promotion in a job I hate in a city I despise in a planet gone bonkers. I'm not jealous he's settled down, or worried that I'll never see him again. Because that's not true, I just won't see him as much as I used to and most of those times I was too busy seething to even render any moments as sentimental. I think I'll miss the uncertainty the most.

His goodbye party starts in five minutes and I'm looking at myself through the reflection of my window. An unfamiliar eye would see me looking at the city lights, but tonight my vanity wins: a portrait of me (transparent) in front of a city (concrete) and wondering if my next neighbor has a vagina and very nice thighs.

One minute later, I'm eating a weed rice krispy treat. Two minutes later, I call Brenda to tell her that I'm going to the party early and to call me when she's on her way so I can wait for her at my place. Three minutes later, I start looking for a new job. Thirty minutes later, Brenda knocks on the door. One hour later I'm looking at Frank like he's a ghost, inert, separated from me and how we're all separated from everybody and how much a miracle it is to connect with anybody anywhere at all in this world. Well, my next neighbor has been issued a challenge.